I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
