i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
