I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
how can u be prego again
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
