I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i will never coherently bang her
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
