White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
