Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
