Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
