im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
