Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
