apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
