Im at strip club and am horny
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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