if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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