i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
