I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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