hell yes lets make some ravioli
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i would punch a child for taco bell
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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