Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
