Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
