sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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