I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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