if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
