He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
