before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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