Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
