drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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