I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
