Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
