Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
did i walk over a car last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
