She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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