When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
