I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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