Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
