I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
