A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
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So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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