someone get that fucking seahorse.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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