wanna go halves on a baby?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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