What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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