Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
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We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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