Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
