I could have mohawked her pubes.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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