i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
