I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
