Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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