woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
