I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
