I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Congratulations! We have a period
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
