i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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