She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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