i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
