It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
