i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize