Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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