Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
