"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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